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Sibling Rivalry
It can be frustrating and upsetting to
watch — and hear — your kids fight with one another. A household that's full of
conflict is stressful for everyone. Yet often it's hard to know how to stop the
fighting, and or even whether you should get involved at all. But you can take
steps to promote peace in your household and help your kids get along.
Why Kids Fight
Many different things can cause siblings
to fight. Most brothers and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or
competition, and this can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors
also might influence how often kids fight and how severe the fighting gets.
These include:
Evolving needs: It's natural for kids' changing needs,
anxieties, and identities to affect how they relate to one another. Toddlers are
naturally protective of their toys and belongings. So if a baby brother or
sister picks up the toddler's toy, the older child may react aggressively.
School-age kids often have a strong concept of fairness and equality. They might
not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently or feel like
one child gets preferential treatment. Teenagers are developing a sense of
individuality and independence They might resent helping with household
responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings, or even having to spend time
together. All of these differences can influence the way kids fight with one
another.
Individual temperaments: Your kids' individual
temperaments — including mood, disposition, and adaptability — and their unique
personalities play a large role in how well they get along. If one child is laid
back and another is easily rattled, they may often get into it. A child who is
especially clingy and drawn to parents for comfort and love might be resented by
siblings who see this and want the same amount of attention.
Role models: The way that parents resolve problems
and disagreements sets a strong example for kids. So if you and your spouse work
through conflicts in a way that's respectful, productive, and not aggressive,
you increase the chances that your children will adopt those tactics when they
run into problems with one another. If your kids see you routinely shout, slam
doors, and loudly argue when you have problems, they're likely to pick up those
bad habits themselves.
What to Do When the Fighting Starts
Whenever possible,
don't get involved. Step in only if
there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating
other problems. The kids may start expecting your help and wait for you to come
to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own.
There's also the risk that you — inadvertently — make it appear to one child
that another is always being "protected," which could foster even more
resentment. By the same token, rescued kids may feel that they can get away with
more because they're always being "saved" by a parent.
If you're concerned by the language used
or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" kids through what they're feeling
by using appropriate words. This is
different from intervening or stepping in and separating the kids.
Even then, encourage them to resolve the
crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems
with your kids, not for them.
When getting involved, here are some steps
to consider:
·
Separate kids until they're
calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not
immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you
want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.
·
Don't put too much focus on
figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is
involved is partly responsible.
·
Next, try to set up a
"win-win" situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the
same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.
Remember, as kids cope with disputes, they
also learn important skills that will serve them for life —
like how to value another person's perspective, how to compromise and
negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.
Helping Kids Get Along
Simple things you can do every day to
prevent fighting include:
·
Set ground rules for
acceptable behavior. Tell the kids to keep their hands to themselves and that
there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their
input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This
teaches kids that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the
situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate
regarding who was "right" or "wrong."
·
Don't let kids make you think
that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs
more than the other.
·
Be proactive in giving your
kids one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if
one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes
to sit and read, make time for that too.
·
Make sure kids have their own
space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play
with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without
having to share 50-50.
·
Show and tell your kids that,
for you, love is not something that comes with limits.
·
Let them know that they are
safe, important, and loved, and that their needs will be met.
·
Have fun together as a family.
Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game,
you're establishing a peaceful way for your kids to spend time together and
relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps
you involved. Since parental attention is something many kids fight over, fun
family activities can help reduce conflict.
·
If your children frequently
squabble over the same things (such as video games or dibs on the TV remote),
post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at what times during the
week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.)
·
If fights between your
school-age kids are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat
the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts.
Consider establishing a program where the kids earn points toward a fun
family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.
·
Recognize when kids just need
time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play
dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one child is on a play
date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.
Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight to
get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own.
When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is
getting short, consider handing the reins over to the other parent, whose
patience may be greater at that moment.
Getting Professional Help
In a small percentage of families, the
conflict between brothers and sisters is so severe that it disrupts daily
functioning, or particularly affects kids emotionally or psychologically. In
those cases, it's wise to get help from a mental health professional. Seek help
for sibling conflict if it:
·
is so severe that it's leading
to marital problems
·
creates a real danger of
physical harm to any family member
·
is damaging to the self-esteem
or psychological well-being of any family member
·
may be related to other
significant concerns, such as depression
If you have questions about your kids'
fighting, talk with your doctor, who can help you determine whether your family
might benefit from professional help and refer you to local behavioral health
resources. |